Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
And then he peed in my hair
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