Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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