I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
