I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
