I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize