Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
