I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
