my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
