People in love make me want to vomit
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We left the knife in your bed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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