I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
