a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
