this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
