You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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