Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
