God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
