I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
