I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
