Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
