Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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