I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize