I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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