Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
