We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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