wrigley field is MILF paradise
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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