my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You made out with two different species that night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
