Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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