There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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