Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
