I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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