my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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