I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
