Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
