im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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