My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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