This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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