god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
