There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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