Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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