I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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