I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
