Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he fucked my hip out of place.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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