is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
