i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
