I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
and you fell through a lawn chair
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
