Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
