So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
