Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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