She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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