We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
