Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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