Just fell off a train. Bad.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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