I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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